Thursday, August 17, 2006


I get asked all the time....WHY? Why would you give up the stability of monogamy for the uncertainty of non-monogamy? Why would you deliberately choose this? Why would you allow it? What is wrong in your marriage to make you seek this change in lifestyle?

I met my husband when I was 17 and virgin. He was 21 and had one previous sexual experience (a one night event that occured in high school). We've been together for 18 yrs, married for 14 yrs, monogamous for every moment.

We're bound together without question--through experiences, through love, through everything. Honestly, I can't imagine anyone I'd rather spent my life with than him. From our discussions, the feeling is mutual. Neither one of us feel there is any risk of divorce, because of the magnitude of "stuff" we've been through together, well, it's solidified our relationship.

That being said, we are both happy, have a fulfilling and active sex life, but we are both BORED. We're far from "vanilla" and have a hell of a good time together, but lets face it, there are only so many positions and only so many variations. Two decades is a long time to make love to the same person. I have a hard time imagining that there is anyone out there who can be making love to the same person for 20 years and not suffer from periodic boredom....not suffer from the "I wonder"'s.

We both wonder what else there is to learn about pleasure and sex, intimacy and well ????? just what else is out there? If you want to learn a new language you can take a class. If you want to learn to drive, you can take a series of classes. Well, we want to learn more about sex and hey, guess classes! (At least not in our small town and it's surrounding areas)

Now, from my personal experience, coming from a broken home and seeing friends and family members get divorced after boredom (among other things) sets in.....divorce isn't the answer. We're in love, we enjoy each other's company, we're best friends AND we have great sex....we still want to be together. It's just that we want more in addition to what we have.

We want to respect each other as a Primary partner, but explore relationships with other people. Call it Swinging, Polyamoury or Responsible Non-Monogamy--essentially, we want to be free to fuck other people. Yes, this is supposedly socially "unacceptable" but if the decision is mutual....if we both agree and both want is this NOT a superior choice to divorce? I mean, most people deal with this feeling by finding a new lover and marrying him or her (that's what my mom did). Seems like a waste of all the time we've invested in this relationship. I don't think that Serial Non-monogamy (marriage, divorce, re-marriage, divorce, etc) would work for me, I thrive on the stability and comfort of an ongoing love relationship.

I know that most don't understand WHY anybody would choose this, but I think that it's a better choice than divorce. It beats cheating, because it's all out in the open and it alleviates jealousy. You can maintain trust. Personally, I'd rather openly profess my desires and talk about them than sneak around.

I find it ironic, that non-monogamy is more acceptable if you're a guy. Or if you're single. Or that it isn't an issue if you have a threesome with your husband or wife or boyfriend or girlfriend and a partner. It's insane, but it seems to be socially preferrable to be married and cheating/lying so that your partner is ignorant of your extra-curricular activities. This just doesn't add up to me. How can dishonesty and cheating be more acceptable than openness and honesty? Completely bizarre.

We have a strong and committed bond. We are open and honest and share with each other, but there isn't any one else to talk to. Because of the stigma attached, I never get to meet up with others who share the same feelings. It's not like it's an acceptable topic of conversation around the water cooler or at Sunday dinner with the family, unless you're gossiping about someone else.

We're not sluts. We don't sport fuck. We are exceptionally picky. We look for an intimate friendship to develop before anything else.

Why? Why would you choose this? Why not? Why would you allow it? Who says we have the right to deny our partner pleasure? What is wrong with your relationship that you seek others for sex? What's wrong with yours that you deny your partner his/her freedom in all aspects of life?


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