necessary catharsis

j

today i've lived a moment inside my head
over and over in my head until I feel I can't breathe
until i don't want to breathe

my pants are off
my underpants are gone
somewhere

there is a fist entangled in my hair
my face is pressed into the blanket
i think i breathe
i don't know

my one arm is wrenched behind my back
clenched by another fist
i am immobilized by his weight
i try
i can't go
move
and i try not to feel as he penetrates me
as he thrusts
and my objection is muffled by sheets and bedding

and he leans down
and i smell the alcohol on his breath
and i feel his clammy skin
and he whispers in my ear
can you even kiss right, bitch?

and i see this today
all day
in my mind
in shadows
in sunlight
in the faces of other people
over and over and over
until i think it reflects in my own eyes

i realize that i haven't told a soul about this part
until this moment

and i'm sorry that it has to be you
but i feel like i don't know who else

g