Monday, August 21, 2006

More thoughts on Non-Monogamy

I find it fascinating that despite the negative reaction (we don't confess to everyone and try to keep our private lives deep in the closet), being non-monogamous has been very, very fun. My husband and I have found that we've never been closer or more attentive to one another. We have never been LESS jealous of one another and never felt MORE secure in our relationship--probably because we talk all the time. We are more open and more honest about our feelings because we are constantly trying to ensure the other partner feels well loved and secure. Having an open relationship takes work. If anything, we work MUCH, MUCH harder on our marriage than we ever did when we were monogamous, because we don't have the luxury of putting our marriage on autopilot and just coasting along. We have also found that this whole experience has resulted in endless energy for terrific, enthusiastic sex. It's crazy. But for now, this lifestyle choice works like a hot damn, and so we run with it. Talking about encounters makes for some terrific foreplay and some wild sex. Truth be told, it's exceptionally liberating to finally realize that marriage tends to imply ownership of one's partner and to realize that it's okay to let go. Take the whole idea of "get your hands off of my wife. " This just kills me. The possessiveness that inundates the statement. So fellas, what do you do if "your" wife actually wants those other hands on her? Seriously, do you really thing you have any "right" to say she can't do it? Does she realy need your permission? And of course, this goes both ways in terms of women feeling possessive of "their" men. Allowing my partner his freedom in all it's shapes and forms, is the best way (at least for us) to demonstrate our respect each other as human beings. Now, not everyone can appreciate this thought process. It's cool if you can't see it. Doesn't matter. What matters is that it makes sense to us.

We have never been traditional people and so this is a logical progression to an unorthodox couple. Yes, I care about what people think of me (I do happen to be a human being) but ultimately, I care most about how I feel about myself and how my partner sees me. I care about being honest to myself and to him. That means total and complete honesty about everything. That's not easy, but I've often heard nothing worth doing is easy. This is something that evolved over a long period of time and with plenty of communciation. Groundrules and boundaries were laid. The basis is respect and honesty. Nope, it isn't for everyone and NOPE, most people can't wrap their socially programmed minds around the concept. That's ok.

It's funny though, because I always get asked what I'm missing in my relationship. What is lacking there for you to choose this? Who says anything is "lacking" if you want sex with others? This implies that wanting sex with others is somehow wrong and that your marriage must be imperfect for you to desire extra play partners. I certainly don't think something is wrong with my marriage if I want to go out for coffee with a girlfriend. I don't question my marriage when I want to go for a night out with the girls. I'm pretty sure he doesn't think our marriag is falling apart when he goes out to play hockey. This thinking (something must be wrong for you to desire contact with people you aren't married to is flawed. It implies that the only reason you desire extra-marital sex is because something is wrong with your marriage. Not necessarily true. "Wrong" is a relative term just like the term "normal" is. It's based on your personal definitions. Let's be honest here, sex is an activity. It has as much or as little meaning to it as you choose to attach to it. I choose to have with other people because I enjoy the activity. I've spent nearly two decades playing the same game with one partner. I'm up for a little variety. I'll be honest. He rocks my world, but I'm a tad bored. I want to know what another pair of hands feel like. I want to know if I've got what it takes to curl some other guys toes based on that thing I can do with my tongue. I mean seriously, when you play sports.....don't you like to play with other people and play different teams just to see how you measure up?


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