Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Can I submit?

I'm on a personal journey. I don't know how long it will last. I'm on a journey of self discovery. I want to learn about me and learn what makes me tick. I've always been introspective, but I've lived a life of unexamined sexuality.

I often wonder if I have what it takes to be a sub. I am not a submissive woman by nature. Far from it. Throughout my life, I've learned to be strong and in control. It's been a necessity. For me, submissive women are an embarassment to our gender. Submissive behaviour is weak and unnecessary. For me, submission is quitting. I don't quit.

However, I wonder.....what would it be like to be sexually submissive? Would I like it? I mean, wouldn't it be nice to be able to feel safe and to let my proverbial 'hair' down.....to just let someone else make the decisions? Just for a little while? To not have to think....just to "feel"? I find it hard to imagine.

How can I submit? How can I allow myself quit? To give up?

I've found myself in a position recently....with a strong lover....where my control has been challenged. My first instinct....fight it. Stay in control. Don't let him "win."

Where does this come from? How has my life conditioned me to not allow any other living soul to have even one ounce of control over me? Why do I feel that being in control is the only way to "win" and be successful?

I don't know what it feels like, so I want to know what it feels like to lose to control or perhaps it's more accurate to say that I want to know what it feels like to have that control taken from me. But I am so afraid of that. I am so afraid to give up something that is so much a part of me. My control...well, it's my strength. It's in the core of my being. How do I give that away? How can I give that up?

I know I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid that something terrible might happen to me while I am completely vulnerable. I'm afraid that I'll regret the situation I find myself in.

I don't want to be tied up so tightly, that I couldn't escape if I really felt I needed to. I don't want to be gagged. That terrifies me. Then I can't scream. I guess I'm afraid that this person who I allow myself to trust in such an intimate way....well, that he might take advantage of my weakness. How can anyone really trust anyone else? The only person you can truly rely on is yourself. How can I trust someone enough to let them control me?

I've fought my entire life. I've fought against everyone who has tried to hurt me. One time. That's all you get. You can hurt me once...but never, ever again. Why would I voluntarily put myself in a position to potentially be hurt?

I'm terrified of losing my control, of being hurt. At the same time, I'm intrigued by being submissive and what feelings it might stir in me. I just don't know how to begin. I can usually intellectualize every thought, every feeling that I have. But with this one, I just don't know where to begin.


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